I have been wanting to write about how knitting helped me overcome my OCD for a long time but in truth, I have also been putting it off because although a few of my friends know I was ill not many people knew just how bad it was, and I find the idea of opening up about my mental health pretty overwhelming. But today is World Mental Health Day so it seemed as good a time as any to write this.
I have spoken about it briefly on my About page but wanted to go into a bit more detail because if just one person reads this and walk away thinking “I am not going mad, I am not the only person feeling like this” then writing this will be worth it!
The first sign of the stress I was under started with terrible pain in my back, arm and neck it really was horrendous and affected me severely. My mood became very low. Living with that much pain every day can’t not affect you. As things progressed I started to feel a lump in my throat that would not go away. It is called Globus Sensation and it is the feeling of a lump in the throat where no true lump exists, it is actually pretty common and is caused by a number of reasons but for me, it was stress and anxiety. I started checking to see if the lump was still there by swallowing, it was so I would swallow again. Very quickly something that should be done without thinking was becoming an obsession for me. The moment I woke up I would check for the lump again by swallowing and this would continue until I eventually fell asleep. I started to develop a tick too, I would brush my hand from my throat under my chin, which sound harmless but was definitely not something I had ever done before and I started to notice how frequently I was doing it.
The worst times for me were actually when I wasn’t busy, like when I was walking the dogs or driving my car because my mind wasn’t occupied and all I could think about was swallowing and checking my throat. It got so bad that I was having panic attacks on a daily basis which were getting progressively worse. The final straw for me was one day I was driving, and started thinking about my throat, the panic attack was so bad that my arms ceased up, I actually thought I was having a heart attack and was going to die. I don’t know how but I managed to pull into a layby and luckily for me an ex-AA man had seen me and explained to me what was happening and that I was going to be OK. It was scary, all I could think about was what if my daughter had been in the car with me. I decided that enough was enough and I was going to fight to get my life back!
I read Anxiety: Panicking about Panic: A powerful, self-help guide for those suffering from an Anxiety or Panic Disorder by Joshua Fletcher, the best thing about reading this was realising that I was not going mad! I was not the only person having these feelings and it was something that I could try to learn to control by not being scared of the panic attacks.
Next, I read about the lump in my throat, the information available was very limited but the main thing that was said was I needed to re-train my brain! Now how on earth can you do that? As I said earlier my OCD was worse when my brain wasn’t occupied with a task so I decided to give it one. I don’t know how I came across it but I read an article about the benefits of knitting on your mental health and at this point, I was desperate to try anything.
So I started knitting! I think it was the counting of stitches which initially distracted me from thinking about my throat. In the beginning, I certainly didn’t have a rhythm going so I wouldn’t have said it was that relaxing but it was working by occupying my thoughts with something new. All of a sudden I would realize that I hadn’t thought about swallowing for half an hour. Sounds like a small change but honestly back then it was amazing. Knitting wasn’t the only tool I used for getting better. I started looking after myself better, I went to the chiropractor, started yoga and meditation but knitting was always something I could pick up quickly to distract myself and as I got better I did fall into a relaxing rhythm. I started to steer away from patterns and create items myself, I liked the problem-solving and enjoyed the feeling when I had designed something new and original.
Gradually with time I got well again, I am no longer in any pain and I no longer feel a lump in my throat and with that, I no longer obsess with checking it! However, my first mistake in writing this is that I said overcome, I have definitely not overcome it. Even as I write this because of the subject I have been checking my throat. I have mostly good days now but, a bad day pops up now and then and when this happens I find myself picking up a pair of needles and working on a project. It is my way of being able to refocus and bring control back to my thoughts. It is well-published now that the rhythmic repetition of knitting can release serotonin, the neurotransmitter associated with calmness and well-being and I certainly feel relaxed when I am knitting but the thoughts going through my mind whilst knitting are of that of the moment even when doing the most basic knitting and seems to be automatic for my hands.
I do sometimes think that maybe I just replaced one obsession with another one, I do think that counting in my head might not be the healthiest thing for me to do. I find myself counting even when I don’t have to, even if I am working on a simple design I will be counting each stitch but at least I am doing something productive and it does not have a negative impact on my state of mind.
I am so glad I found knitting to use as a well-being tool, it sounds corny but it really has changed the way I live my life. Not only is it something I actually enjoy doing, I know I can always rely on the calming effect it has on me.
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